I’m sitting here in the basement of my parents’ house watching the FSU vs.
It wasn’t the day that the College Football Preseason Annuals hit the newsstands. It wasn’t summer turning into fall. It wasn’t the actual kickoff of college football season. It wasn’t talking on the phone with friends in younger grades, it wasn’t searching for jobs (haven’t quite “tried that out” yet), or receiving firey emails on my fraternity’s email list about rush parties that are less than a week away. Instead, this epiphany of an oh so tragic truth surfaced when ESPN's camera zoomed in for about four seconds on one of the FSU Cheerleaders.
No, there was not an emotional moment of nostalgia when Neil Young’s rendition of Helpless during The Last Waltz came on the iPod shuffle, and I balled my eyes out (that was 2 hours ago…). It took the visual stimulation of seeing this absolute baberaham, dressed in her skimpy cheerleading uniform, shaking her pom-poms (and what her mother gave her), and having absolutely no idea that there was an instant classic rivarlry football game taking place behind her, for me to realize that I can no longer actively partake in the debauchery that is college.
Not that I would have been able to capitalize, but I no longer have any chance of ever seeing a girl like that, in an environment like that, who is – pardon my language – looking to get plugged by some gigantic football player or some hammered frat daddy later that night. FSU just lost on a last-second play, but fear not: this chick (and thousands of other broads just like her around the country) is still looking to party and hook up tonight, and the highlight of my night will be watching Erin Andrews interview Jacory Harris about his shoulder injury, which he just described as his “funny bone.”
Oh well. I guess at least I don’t have to do homework.
P.S. For a website that boasts a congregation of pictures of absolute smokeshows from SEC schools that will make you wish that you had listened to your testosterone and went to a state school in the south, check out http://poonsec.blogspot.com/
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