Rule No. 1

I was hanging out this past weekend with a friend of friends in THE City (New York City that is, for all of you who thought I was referring to Des Moines), and I realized that our host and his two roommates referred on two separate occasions to “Rule Number 1.” The guys were very cool, so I immediately ruled out the fact that they might be trampling on the grave of Wedding Crashers by quoting an extremely cliché and oft-overused exchange between Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson (what the hell happened to Luke Wilson, by the way?). So, I thought that perhaps the trio had a bro-riffic series of rules forged through years of time spent together, but I used my deductive reasoning to cross this off when I realized that “Rule Number 1” was a joke of sorts.

The usage of “Rule No. 1” came about under the following circumstances: when someone felt bad about something, be it drinking obscene amounts of liquor on someone else’s tab and not paying the person back, engaging in questionable antics with a girl, or committing any act that a girl would be infuriated with, they were “breaking Rule No. 1.” As I’m sure you can see, breaking Rule Number 1 is feeling bad about something. In essence, never feel bad about anything you did that brought satisfaction to yourself or to your friends. The guys accentuated the joke by saying, “what’s Rule Number 1?” “Never feel bad.” “What’s Rule Number 2?” “Never feel bad,” and etc.

Perhaps I have been living under a rock for the last twenty-two years, but I had never heard this terminology and, I’m not gonna lie, I liked it. I believe that this concept would be classified under the family of “Sorry For Partying,” “Never Apologize,” and the more traditional “Fuck you.” Sorry for Partying was a phrase that took its formidable roots at my school on that fateful day that was Fall Lawn Parties 2008, which spilled into an epic night at the fine establishment Winberries, which went hand-in-hand with the ushering in of “Disturbia” as the anthem of the year/my life (citation here goes to a cohort of people, including CJB, EAS, JF, and MJB).

I am quite tired and do not feel on my game tonight, so I will cut this post short by leaving you with a picture. I will throw out a WARNING, as this picture is pretty gross and not for those with a weak stomach. It occurred on the night referenced above, and if the custodian charged with cleaning this up or any residents of Spellman entry 5 are reading this, I offer you my most sincere apologies. For partying.